pitfalls of perfection
by smartalker
Summary: My name is Marianna Anastasia Rinslet Ysabell Summer Underground Empress. But you can call me Mary Sue.


**A/N**: Edited version.

I had to write a fic with the worst possible Mary Sue ever. The requirements? She…

a) is Itachi and Sasuke's long lost sister  
b) Naruto is freakishly in love with her, along with five other random people  
c) does not like Sakura  
d) was a student of some super ninja  
e) has a demon inside of her too

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Naruto. Steal Mary and die.

**How to be Perfect**

"Excuse me," a melodic voice trilled, "Could you help me with something?"

Naruto turned around, unaware of his addressee's otherworldly beauty. For the time being. "Yeah, okay—"

His words died on his lips. Standing before him was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. Her blazing silver-violet eyes were set nicely in her pale face, with a sweet button nose and pouting lips. She was slim, but curvy in all the right places, and from the way she walked, you could tell that she had an attitude.

But despite all of this, there was something about her—

"Oh, God," Sakura had just rounded the corner of the building, "Another one."

Naruto, who had been staring for a good five minutes, (it took a long time to become aware of such flattering and drawn out descriptions,) snapped around to face the previous love of his life. "Bzuh?"

Sakura sighed, "Naruto, snap out of it. This happens nearly every week."

"I'm sorry," the girl cut in, with a graceful toss of her dark red hair, "But I'm sure you are mistaken." She paused dramatically, "I have come here…to see my brother." She locked eyes with both of them simultaneously. Lazy eye was an understatement, "My twin brother—_Uchiha Sasuke_."

"Oh." Sakura shook her head in a business-like manner, "My bad, we get those almost every day. Just, usually, people take the time to—you know, make themselves look _slightly_ like their supposed twin."

"…" the girl glared, "Shut up, you worthless prep!"

"…_Prep_?" Sakura repeated blankly. She scowled, rubbing at her temple, "Why does everyone keep _calling_ me that?!"

"You're such a slut!" the girl continued avidly, "I mean, how _dare_ you like Sasuke-kun?! How _dare_ you?!"

"A lot of people like him," Sakura muttered defensively, "Including creepy old men, grandmothers, and half the population."

"Shut up!" the girl screamed passionately. Crystalline tears began to gather at the corners of her eyes, "Just shut up! You don't know what you're talking about, you useless, weak—"

"Anytime to two want to start undressing and having a catfight is _fine_ with me," Naruto interjected. He smiled winningly into the twin looks of disbelief.

"Weak?!" Sakura repeated. A vein could be seen throbbing at her temple, "_Weak_?!"

She punched the sidewalk, just to make her point proven, "How is _that_ weak?!"

"Hah!" returned the girl, who had flipped away into the shelter of a tree, "If I wanted to, I could split the Earth in half!" she bragged, and placed both hands on her hips, "For I was trained by the great ninja—" she paused here for a second, "The first Hokage of Konoha!"

"He died like seventy years ago!" Sakura yelled angrily, "That doesn't make any _sense_!"

"The demon sealed inside of me is what allows me to do these things!" the girl continued her rant heatedly. "No one can ever understand my pain!"

"Uh." Naruto blinked, "Hi?"

"Banished from my clan because of the monster inside of me, only my teacher ever showed me any kindness!"

"You're delusional," Sakura said flatly, "I'm leaving. Being around you makes me angry."

She started to drag Naruto away, "Come on, you'll feel better when we've gotten away…"

"No, I won't!" Naruto moaned, "I'll keep thinking about her! I won't be able to stop! It's part of their evil spell!"

As they made their hasty retreat, a group of three had just come around the corner. It appeared that Shikamaru was taking out his favorite group of girls—even Tayuya…wasn't she _dead_? Was that _Kin_!?

The four girls abruptly stopped their squabbling, falling silent as they caught sight of the other woman. Very slowly, as though in a trance, they stepped away from the bewildered Shikamaru and made their way towards the Mary, with vacant eyes and slack jaws.

"…Ino?" Sakura called tentatively. Her friend paid her no mind, but continued forwards robotically.

It was then, of course, that Sasuke showed up. It took him less than three seconds to grab Sakura by the wrist, Naruto by the collar, and start running. "We're leaving," he informed them shortly. "I don't care about the stupid mission—the people here are _crazy_."

He paused to give Sakura a glare. "You. Don't talk to _anyone_ named Gary."

"Heh?" Sakura blinked, but kept running, "But—but Sasuke, I can't just _leave_ Ino—"

"She'll be fine," Sasuke muttered darkly, "We'll come back for her later."

"My love…" Naruto wept. Sakura kicked him.

And so, the three ninjas bolted out of the village, not making eye contact with anyone, not even reading the sign—

_Welcome to Mary Sue-Ville._


End file.
